I really have no clue who or even if anyone reads my blog (with this post I almost hope nobody is reading it) but I’ve been thinking a little about this all lately. What is it that makes some people so bitter towards others when it comes to  infertility? I do realise that as far as infertility goes, taking 18 months to conceive a child is actually not too bad. I do feel I’ve experienced quite a lot in my time of TTC though- 2 m/c’s, 2 IVF’s (and 4 ET’s), hundreds of injections (10 weeks of one’s in my bum being the worst), countless invasive scans, loads of hormones in all number of forms, 1 hysteroscopy, 2 D&C’s, hours and hours wasted sitting around in waiting rooms, thousands of rands spent, the list could probably go on and on. So, while I do have my 2 precious daughters in about the time-frame we would have liked them (we started trying earlier because I knew I had PCOS and thought we would struggle) I still think of myself as infertile.

Why am I thinking about all of this considering we aren’t really planning anymore? Well, tomorrow I am going to a baby shower for a girl that fell pregnant the very first month they starting trying. We actually have quite a few friends that managed to get this right, and others that even fell pregnant when they didn’t want to.  So, does it change the way one feels towards your baby? The one that took months or even years to get vs one that was conceived immediately. It’s obviously impossible to say. Perhaps the only people who could comment are those that conceived easily and then subsequently struggled for whatever reason. If I have to be honest, I’m pretty sure they love all their children equally and the fact that we had to go to extraordinary lengths to fall pregnant, certainly doesn’t seem to give me extraordinary levels of patience with mine. The only thing I know for certain is that it made us both very determined to have me spend at least the first 3 years at home with the girls, so that I am their primary caregiver for that very crucial stage in their development. With the way life seems to be and all the extra activities that are available for young children these days, how I will ever get back to even a half-day job before they are in about Grade 3 is beyond me.

But I am seriously going off on a tangent now. I hosted one of my best friend’s baby shower the week after my first miscarriage. Yes, I was sad and disappointed about the m/c but it didn’t make me bitter and twisted or any less happy for her. Yes, I would have prefered not to have to experience all the stuff listed above or could think of loads of ways to better spend all the money we spent on fertility treatment but there are also loads of positives that I can take away from it all. I have met some amazing women and share a bond with these women that is just hard to explain. It strengthened my marriage in numerous ways and made me realise that we can get through really tough stuff, together. I realised that men and women handle stuff (especially emotional stuff) very differently. Chris once told me that a woman’s drive to have children is not just a psychological one but actually biological, which means one has no control over it and that intense need/want/desire to have a child just doesn’t really exist in the same way or to the same degree for a man. For that reason alone it was so important for me to connect with all the women that I did. It is also amazing the number of times I have been able to give advice and share my own experiences with others. I wish that there weren’t so many other people going through the same kind of stuff, but there are and hopefully I have been of some help to them. It strengthened my relationship with God, although I will admit that my faith did take a few knocks. Chris isn’t always all that vocal or demonstrative about his faith but he really was a pillar of strength and he had such unbelievable faith that it really carried me through the dark times. The day we got our first non-doubling beta HCG count with Ava’s pregnancy he just “happenened” to be given a little piece of paper by someone at work and there was a scripture stapled to it. I have that card in Ava’s baby book and it says, “Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.” Psalm 31:24 KJV. From that day on, through all the poor blood results and bleeding, Chris just kept telling me to stop worrying, have faith and that he just knew that this baby was going to be okay, and of course she is.

Back to the point of all this. I have a friend that is now almost 40, has had over 15 years of fertility treatment and still has no baby. It breaks my heart and yet it doesn’t stop her from really, genuinely sharing in everyone else’s joy when each in turn goes on to have a baby (and a second,etc.). I cannot even begin to understand how difficult it must be for her and the more stories I hear of all the bitterness, the more I admire her.

I am a bit upset that I had to get PCOS and because it runs so strongly in my family (mom, aunt and cousin) there is a very real possibility that either or even both Zoe and Ava might have it. I am not overweight but my cousin is, so I worry that if one of my girls gets it, that they might also struggle with weight issues (nevermind a lifetime of screwed up cycles, fertility problems, bad skin and whatever else one can get). I try not to think about it too much, but I know it’ll be a major concern of mine as the girls get closer to puberty. I’m also angry that while some people get diabetes or asthma or heart disease or whatever their particular chronic illness might be, the treatment of it is fully covered by medical aid. I didn’t choose to have PCOS, so why must I bear the brunt of the cost of fertility treatment that goes with it. I mean who would honestly choose to undergo fertility treatment unless they really had to and while I do realise that one couldn’t expect the medical aids to cover the cost of unlimited or experimental treatment, surely they could come to some compromise like 3 IUI’s and 2 IVF’s for example.

What I’m trying to say is that generally bad stuff does happen to most people at some point in their life. Some stuff is obviously way worse than other stuff and it certainly is no indication of what kind of a person they are. At this stage, PCOS has been the only thing for me, so far. There might be other stuff lurking down the line, I certainly hope not.  This makes me think of another verse in the Bible, Romans 8 vs 28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” In my Bible it explains that because we live in a fallen world, bad things will happen to us, but God is able to turn every circumstance around for our long-range good. God is not working to make us happy but to fulfil his purpose. I try very hard to always bear this in mind and see my infertility as a positive rather than negative thing in my life.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: