I’m really struggling with an issue at the moment. So much so that it’s keeping me awake at night. 99% of me is done with having more children but the other 1% is currently driving me nuts.

Chris has pretty much said no and that should naturally mean that is the end of that. There are so many reasons against trying – we are getting older (both 36 this year,although the embryos in the freezer are from 2008 when we’d just turned 32)

life is busier as the girls get older and I’m starting to do a lot of driving around

we are loving being so fit and the freedom that having a 4 and 2-year-old gives one

we do have enough bedrooms technically but 1 bedroom is right on the other side of the house

Chris’s car is only big enough for 4 (does that even count as a reason)

my folks look after the girls a lot and while I know they had 3 themselves, 3 is a lot to expect them to take on a few times a week so we can go off training or racing or whatever

I could seriously go on and on.

I also don’t do pregnancy or newborns very well at all. I was very sick while pregnant with Ava and I swore I’d never do it again – almost 9 months of all-day sickness is not great, the birth was a breeze, that I’d do again in a heartbeat. I also don’t like what pregnancy does to my body. I love running and being fit and I really need to do it. Having said that, there is a girl we know who had twin girls (they’re turning 6 this year) and she’s now having another girl. She’s 20 weeks pregnant and ran the marathon on Saturday. I think she took a bit of strain but she honestly doesn’t look pregnant AT ALL. I’m not just saying that, she is very skinny at the best of times and even in her skimpy running vest she still has a flat tummy. Incredible – she’s a doctor, as is her husband and the gynae said it was fine but not really something I’d consider doing. I ran up until 28 weeks with Zoe but not marathons. I came second in the marathon on Saturday. Amazing I know. I really didn’t feel like I’d run that well and I’m honestly not the competitive type but there’s no way I’d ever get back to where I am right now. I do think that pregnancy is more of a strain and takes more out of you the older you are and every time you do it. I am a control freak and babies are a control freak’s worst nightmare because even the most angelic baby hasn’t read all the books and so doesn’t tend to do things when they’re supposed to.

Getting back to my dilemna. Not sure why it’s hit me so hard. I have had  a few friends that have just had babies and for all of them it’s their third (for one her third and fourth – the most beautiful identical twin girls). Ava is now 2 and a half and I always said I didn’t want a big gap as Chris is 5 years younger than his youngest sister and I think that’s too big a gap. The clinic will keep our embryos frozen for 5 years (till April 2013) so we need to either use them or donate them and that’s where the other big issue comes in. Chris is happy to donate them and I’m having second thoughts. If the cycle was to be successful I honestly worry about the family “my” child would grow up in. The rational, sane part of me tells me not to be ridiculous but the “worrier” in me says otherwise. What if the child could somehow track us down and ask why we’d not had them ourselves? It is not like we cannot afford another baby. Is this not part of the IVF package? We chose had to use medical science to have children and now that we have extra embryos that don’t necessarily fit into our perfect plan, we give them away. Chris sees those embryos as a potential gift to another couple that ordinarily wouldn’t be able to have children. He is a glass half-full kind of guy. I know that I would think about the child/children constantly just as I think about the embryos all the time. At the end of the day the chances of the cycle working aren’t high (think it’s 20%) and they might not even survive the thaw. I also don’t think it’s right hoping that it won’t work, when I know there are so many couples desperate to have a baby. Using the embryos will be a mission – I would have to have my Mirena removed and then have to take a truck load of med’s/injections as I don’t respond to clomid, then I’d have to fly to Cape Town for the transfer and and and.

My girls are gorgeous. They drive me nuts sometimes but they can both speak and tell me what they need, they can feed themselves, dress themselves, go to the toilet themselves and they play beautifully together, it is so easy to go away/out these days. They sleep over at least once a week at my folks and all we pack are clothes and their stuffed animals – no bottles, cots, dummies, baby monitors, nappies, nothing. I don’t need to worry about nap times, snack times, making baby food or that we must be home by a certain time because we need to start the bath/bed routine. Just writing all this down makes me realise even more that I don’t want another baby and yet why do I feel like I do? This is an awful thing to say/think but I wish we didn’t have those embryos and yet Ava was at one time one of the frozen embryos. It is frightening to think that she might never have been if I hadn’t had the second miscarriage or we’d chosen not to freeze the embryos. I know that I shouldn’t think like that but I do. I wish I knew the answer. I know I need to pray about it more and try to work out what God’s plan is. I keep thinking and wondering whether it isn’t God that’s making me think about the embryos all the time. Is He trying to tell me something? I wish I knew the answer. I wish I could make it stop, it’s driving me nuts right now.

My thinking right now is to go and see my gynae (which I need to do anyway). Email the clinic in Cape Town and find out the procedure, then maybe get all the meds in April when we go down and plan everything for May because now that I know what I know I certainly don’t want a baby born at the end of the year.

How do I get all this past Chris? No chance I think. This year he is planning – Two Oceans, Addo 50 mile trail run, full Iron Man and Comrades marathon as well as going fully private…

Just wanted to say again, our life is busy but impossibly easy right now. I’m sure it couldn’t possibly get any better(but it hopefully/probably will), why mess with that?

Hopefully getting all this off my chest will let me switch off a bit so I’m off to bed (again).


3 Responses to “Wrestling”

  1. cat@jugglingact Says:

    Wow, I really do not think I will be able to donate my embryos (if I had any)! But your heart will tell you. Do keep in mind though that it could be no 3 and 4 and I can vouch that twins are something else. Cheers freedom, and everything is too small – cars, houses etc

  2. Kirsty Says:

    As a mum of 3…. an ” accidental” mum of 3 ( only 15 months between no.2 and no.3, i can say that you will never ever regret another baby. Never. But leave it much longer, you may regret not having tried….. x

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